End of Fin Year - and End of Old Life

Ok, tomorrow marks the start of the new financial year, and I am sort of looking at it as also being the start of the lead up to a new start for me.

Well the first 1/2 of this year has been a bit of a roller coaster for me, had lots of ups and downs, but I think the second 1/2 will see the ride smooth out a little... then 2009 will be 2000 and mine!

So updates on whats happening in my world:
The me/Sean situation... is coming close to being resolved and now we seemed to have agreed on exactly what will work and are going through the processes to have it legalized.

We are going to see our place, and I am looking to rent a place close by to where I am now. I am happy with the area, its close enough to work so I figure why go elsewhere if I am happy where I am. With renting, I will be paying less than I am in mortgage payments, and in the long term it gives me more flexibility to move to follow job opportunities. So if anyone is looking for a nice little place in Caroline Springs, keep your eyes peeled!

Another reason for the move is I came to the conclusion, that it will force me to have a new start. Despite not knowing exactly where I will be living soon... I am strangely excited and looking forward to it.

Health kick front - I have gotten a little lazy at late, as it has been too bloody cold and/or wet... but still determined to make a good go of it when the Gym opens in the coming months.

On the work front, my project work down at Sunshine has been extended until the 1st of November, when it will be re-evaluated. While we did reach and complete the project goal of building a new website for the library service well on time and budget, we are now going to focus on improving what we have done and adding lots of extra cool features that were on our wish list, but were not the highest priorities in the original project.

This means I am still only working at Sydenham Library on Mondays and Thursdays, then at Library Administration in Sunshine for the remainder of the week. This is except for a month from August, when I will be acting branch manager while my boss goes on a holiday abroad. I am sure I will need to watch and study Frances O'Brien very hard to see how to do the job properly. During that time I will be based at Sydenham full time again.

On the love life front... well - hello I have been talking about work - so nothing really to announce at the moment.

What are we looking for?

Ok, I'm in a strange D&M kind of mood today... so this post will probably be a little deeper than usual (or more airy fairy). I am sitting here, alone... feeling slightly depressed wondering why do we, as people put ourselves through this? What are we searching for in this world?

Why is it, we devote so much of our energy, thought and emotion into finding a 'perfect person' to share our lives with? We pass hundreds of people in our daily lives when we go to the shops, work, out to a function... hundreds just pass us by and we don't give them a second look... but we all search for just 1 to come home to, or go out for dinner with. Why?

Is it the reason of our being - after all we could say the purpose of being is to reproduce to pass on our genes to the next generation, for this pattern to continue again and again. Why do us humans however look for one person to do that with... other animals seem quite happy to hump what ever comes next to them, then move on... without ever looking back.

With animals it is simply reproduction... (most) seem to have no emotional connection to whoever it is they are doing. Would a lion mate with a lioness, then care if she was later hit by a car, struck by lightning, or given some nasty std by a sleazy meerkat?

What are we looking for? Is it:

• Sex on tap
• Someone to help cook or clean for us
• Someone to look after us physically and financially - so we can lazily go on with our lives without a care.

If it is these simple things why is it the things I miss most are having someone just there, who you can whinge to if you have had a crappy day, or someone to cuddle up to in bed if it gets cold, or just knowing someone is there and that they are in some way your responsibility to provide for, to care for, like a pet for you to love and look after. Does our emotional investment in them somehow make us feel that once we go, we will have in a tiny way left our mark on the world at that at least one person out there will remember us and think of us until they eventually drop off the perch.

In a mind frame of looking at the above reason as an investment - wouldn't we be better trying to make this impact on the lives of everyone we meet... that way we would be remembered by more... so why is it we choose just one. Just one person to let all our feelings be exposed to, to share such a level of intimacy that they can see you and all your vulnerability as a person. Do we realise that by doing this we are making ourselves so venerable to being hurt so much? Are we that stupid... why is it we choose to trust a person so deeply? Should we?

I think it is human stupidity, or maybe even some desperate desire of hope in thinking that maybe our generation has evolved the perfect being, who is perfect, and trustworthy in every way that they will never hurt us.... but how do we know unless we drop all our defences and give them a chance?

Why is it, we can physically cut ourselves, it hurts for a while, but once we distract ourselves with another task we are fine... but we 'break our hearts' which causes no physical harm to us, and no matter what we do, it keeps eating at us inside. Then, being smart as we are supposed to be, you think we would learn from the pain not to try again... but we do.... we seek to take the gamble again.... will it pay off this time?

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- Henry Louis Mencken

One journey comes to an end - another begins

Well, I am saddened to say that Sean and I have decided to go our separate ways. While we will continue to live together, romantically and in all other ways we will now travel our own roads.

While I am sad that we have lost what Sean and I had, I also have a great sense of excitement with the possibilities that lay ahead. I know it will not be easy, but I think in the end both of us may benefit from calling it quit's now.

My biggest challenge will be re-creating a social life for myself, which I am slowly trying to do. I am trying to give Sean his space so he has the best chance possible to build a solid foundation with his new boyfriend, but we will continue to remain close friends.